Spoof Text :

There was a man who liked money very much. He worked all of his life and wanted to save all of his money for his own future. He was a real miser when it came to his money.He loved money more than just about anything.

Even, just before he died, he said to his wife; "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife." So he asked his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.
Well, one day, he really died. Then he was stretched out in the casket. The wife was sitting there in black clothes next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!"

She had a box in her hands. She came over with the box and placed it in the casket. After that the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Not long after that, her friend said, "I hope you were not crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."

The wife turned to her friend and replied; "Yes, because I have promised." Then she continued;. "I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him." Feeling shocked, her friend said; "You mean that you have put every cent of his money in the casket with him?" Then the wife answered; "Surely I did. I got it all together, put all the money into my account and I just wrote him a check."

Singapore 

Have you ever visited Singapore? Well, if you haven’t, let me tell you about Singapore. Singapore is an island city. Its population is about three millions people. Most Singaporeans live in high-rise apartments.

Uhm…Singapore is a beautiful city with lots of parks and open spaces. It is also a very clean city. You know, the business district is very modern, with lots of tall and new buildings.

Now, let me tell you about the old section of the city. In Chinatown, there are rows of old shop houses. The government buildings in Singapore are also very unique and antique. They date from the British colonial days.
Shopping! Wow, this is the part that I like very much! Singapore is famous for its many good shopping centers. Most of the goods are duty free. It’s a heaven for shoppers!
 
What about food? Uhmm ..yummy..yummy. It’s delicious. Singapore’s restaurants provide Chinese, Indian, Malay, and European food, and the prices are quite reasonable. I bet you’ll like it.

Well, since Singapore lies near the equatorial line, of course, it has a tropical climate, with a nice weather in both dry and rainy season.

Singapore 

Have you ever visited Singapore? Well, if you haven’t, let me tell you about Singapore. Singapore is an island city. Its population is about three millions people. Most Singaporeans live in high-rise apartments.

Uhm…Singapore is a beautiful city with lots of parks and open spaces. It is also a very clean city. You know, the business district is very modern, with lots of tall and new buildings.

Now, let me tell you about the old section of the city. In Chinatown, there are rows of old shop houses. The government buildings in Singapore are also very unique and antique. They date from the British colonial days.
Shopping! Wow, this is the part that I like very much! Singapore is famous for its many good shopping centers. Most of the goods are duty free. It’s a heaven for shoppers!
 
What about food? Uhmm ..yummy..yummy. It’s delicious. Singapore’s restaurants provide Chinese, Indian, Malay, and European food, and the prices are quite reasonable. I bet you’ll like it.

Well, since Singapore lies near the equatorial line, of course, it has a tropical climate, with a nice weather in both dry and rainy season.

English Conversation

Where Are You From

Tom    : Hi. I don't think we've met. My name's Tom.

Jenny  : Hi, Tom. Nice to meet you. My name is Juanita, but everybody calls me Jenny.

Tom    : Nice to meet you, Jenny. So, where are you from?

Jenny  : Well, originally I'm from Argentina, but we moved to the United States when I was about five years old. My parents now live in Chile. That's where they first met. How about you, Tom?

Tom    : I was born in Fresno, California, and we lived there until I was seven. Then, since my father worked for the military, we moved all over the place.

Jenny  : Oh yeah? Where are some of the places you've lived?

Tom    : Mostly, we were overseas. We spent a total of ten years in Korea, Germany, and Okinawa, Japan. We were transferred back to the States three years ago, but I think my parents would have liked to live overseas for at least 20 more years.

Jenny  : Wow. It sounds like you've had an interesting life. So, what do you do now?

Tom    : I'm a student at Purdue University.

Jenny  : Oh really? What are you studying?

Tom    : I'm majoring in psychology. How about you? What do you do?

Jenny  : Well, I'm working as a sales representative for Vega Computers downtown.

Tom    : Good for you!

Happy Birthday

Father : Hi Michael. Happy Birthday! How old are you today?

Son      : Seven.

Father : Alright. Well, let's sing Happy Birthday:

Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday dear Michael,
Happy Birthday to you.

Father : Alright. So what should we do first?

Son      : How about cake and ice cream?

Father : Okay. Well, uh let . . . let's light the candles. Okay, and make a wish! Don't . . . don't tell me.

Son      : Don't tell you?

Father : Yeah, don't tell me. Okay, and go ahead and blow out the candles. Okay, let's cut the cake, and then we can have cake and ice cream. And what do you want to do after the cake and ice cream?

Son      : Play freeze tag.

Father : Now, how do you play tag?

Son      : Um . . . one person is it, and the person who is it tries to tag everyone

Father  : Alright. And then . . .

Son      :  before I tag someone and then, another person tags me.

Father : Oh, wow. And whose coming over later today for your birthday?

Son      : Well, everyone. Uh, my cousins, all my aunts and grandmas, grandpas.

Father : Alright. Well, Happy Birthday, Michael.

 

What a Busy Day!

Ted     : So, Susan, do you have anything planned for this Saturday?

Susan  : Uh, I'm kind of busy. Why do you ask?

Ted     : Oh, I was wondering if you'd like to get together and do something, like catch a movie or take a walk down by the lake.

Susan  : I'd love to, but I'm really going to be busy all day on Saturday.

Ted     : What do you have going on that day?

Susan  : First, my mom asked me to help clean the house in the morning, and then I have a dentist appointment at 12:30. I can't miss that 'cause I've canceled twice before.

Ted     : Well, what about after that?

Susan  : Well, I'm going to be running around all day. After the dentist appointment, I need to meet Julie at 2:00 to help her with her science project that's due on Monday morning at school.

Ted     : Okay, but are you free after that?

Susan  : Hardly. then I have to pick up my brother from soccer practice at 4:30, and my mom asked me to cook dinner for the family at 5:30. Who knows how long THAT'll take.

Ted     : Wow, sounds like you're going to have a full day. Hey listen, why don't I come over later in the evening, and we can make some popcorn and watch a movie.

Susan  : Oh, that'd be great, but our video machine is broken.

Ted     . Huh. Well, let's just play a game or something.

Susan  : Sounds good, but give me a call before you come. My mom might try to come up with something else for me to do.

Apartment For Rent

Roger  : Hello.

Ann     : Hello Roger? This is Ann.

Roger  : Oh hi, Ann. How have you been? And how's your new apartment working out?

Ann     : Well, that's what I'm calling about. You see, I've decided to look for a new place.

Roger  : Oh, what's the problem with your place now? I thought you liked the apartment.

Ann     : Oh, I do, but it's a little far from campus, and the commute is just killing me. Do you think you could help? I thought you might know more about the housing situation near the school.

Roger  : Okay, what's your budget like? I mean how much do you want to spend on rent?

Ann     :Uh, somewhere under $200 a month, including utilities, if I could. Oh, and I'd prefer to rent a furnished apartment.

Roger  : Hmm. And anything else?

Ann     :Yeah, I need a parking space.

Roger  : Well, I know there's an apartment complex around the corner that seems to have a few vacancies. I'll drop by there on my way to class today.

Ann     : Hey, thanks a lot.

 Roger  : No problem.

Camping Under The Stars

Paul: Sara, I've been looking forward to our yearly campout for three weeks. [Me too] It's going to be a wonderful day for hiking tomorrow. The great outdoors. Camping under the stars . This is the life.

Sara: Yeah, but Paul, I'm a little bit worried about the weather though. The weatherman said it was going to rain later tonight.

Paul: Ah. nonsense. Nothing can spoil our adventure. Those weather reports are never right.

Sara: And it said there was a chance of high winds.

Paul: Ah. Don't worry.

[thunder]

Sara: Paul. Paul. Did you remember to bring our raincoats just in case, like I told you?

[light rain]

Paul: Uh . . . no. I left them on the front porch.

[heavy rain]

Sara: What are we going to do now?

Paul: We'll have to sleep in the car! Hurry get in!

[door shut]

Sara: So, Paul, what are we going to do now?

Paul: How about playing a card game?

Sara: Uhh. I left them next to the picnic table. [Hmmm] Hey, you don't want me to go out in this rain and get them, do you?

Paul: No. That's okay. So what now?

Sara: Well, we could head down the mountain and stay at that hotel we passed on the way up, or go home.

Paul: Hmm, why don't we just make the best of it here and hope the weather clears.

Sara: That's a good idea. 

Bussiness Communication

Secretary: Hello, Ultimate Computers. May I help you?

Caller: Yes, this is Jack Kordell from Hunter's Office Supplies. May I speak to Elaine Strong, please?

Secretary: I'm sorry, but she's not in right now.

Caller: Okay, do you know when she'll be back?

Secretary: Uh, yes, she should be here later on this afternoon maybe about 4:30. May I take a message?

Caller: Yes. Ms. Strong sent me a brochure detailing your newest line of laptop computers with a description of other software products, but there wasn't any information about after-sales service.

Secretary: Oh, I'm sorry. Would you like me to fax that to you?

Caller: Yes, but our fax is being repaired at the moment, and it won't be working until around 2:30. Hum . . . could you try sending that information around 3:30? That should give me time to look over the material before I call Ms. Strong, say, around 5:00.

Secretary: Sure. Could I have your name, telephone number, and fax number, please?

Caller: Yes. Jack Kordell and the phone number is 560-1287. And the fax number is 560-1288.

Secretary: Okay. Jack Kordell. Is your name spelled C-o-r-d-e-l?

Caller: No. It's Kordell with a "K" and two "l's." K-o-r-d-e-l-l."

Secretary: All right, Mr. Kordell. And your phone number is 560-1287, and the fax number is 560-1288. Is that correct?

Caller: Yes it is.

Secretary: All right. I'll be sure to send you the fax this afternoon.

Caller: Okay, bye.

College Life

Maria: Oh, hi Dave. Long time, no see!

Dave: Hi Maria. I was in the neighborhood, so I thought I'd drop by.

Maria: Come on in. [Thanks.] Take a seat. Would you like anything to drink? I have Sprite or orange juice.

Dave: Sprite would be fine. Uh, so, how have you been?

Maria: Oh, not bad. And you?

Dave: Oh, I'm doing okay, but school has been really hectic these days, and I haven't had time to relax.

Maria: By the way, what's your major anyway?

Dave: Hotel management.

Maria: Well, what do you want to do once you graduate?

Dave: Uh... I haven't decided for sure, but I think I'd like to work for a hotel or travel agency in this area. How about you?

Maria: Well, when I first started college, I wanted to major in French, but I realized I might have a hard time finding a job using the language, so I changed majors to computer science. [Oh]. With the right skills, landing a job in the computer industry shouldn't be as difficult.

Dave: So, do you have a part-time job to support yourself through school?

Maria: Well, fortunately for me, I received a four-year academic scholarship [Wow] that pays for all of my tuition and books.

Dave: Wow. That's great.

Maria: Yeah. How about you? Are you working your way through school?

Dave: Yeah. I work three times a week at a restaurant near campus.

Maria: Oh. What do you do there?

Dave: I'm a cook.

Maria: How do you like your job?

Dave: It's okay. The other workers are friendly, and the pay isn't bad.

Daily Schedule

Woman: So, what's your usual day like? You always seem so busy.

Man: Well, I usually get up around 5:00 a.m. and work on the computer until 6:00 a.m.

Woman: Why do you get up so early?

Man: Well, I have to leave home at twenty to seven (6:40 a.m.) so I can catch a bus at 7:00 o'clock . It takes me about twenty minutes to walk to the bus stop from my house.

Woman: And what time do you get to work?

Man: Uh, my bus takes about an hour to get there, but it stops right in front of my office.

Woman: That's nice. And what time do you get off work?

Man: Uh, around 5:00 o'clock. Then, we eat dinner around 6:30, and my wife and I read and play with the kids until 8:00 or so.

Woman: So, when do you work on your website? You said one time that you create it at home?

Man: Well, my wife and I often watch TV or talk until 10:00 o'clock. She then often reads while I work on my site, and I sometimes stay up until the early hours of the morning, but I try to finish everything by one or two.

Woman: And then you get up at 5:00 a.m.?

Man: Well, yeah, but it's important to live a balanced life. I enjoy what I do, but you have to set aside time for the family and yourself.

Woman: I agree.

Man: But I think my wife has the toughest job. She spends her whole day taking care of our family . . . taking the kids to school, working in the garden, buying groceries, taking the kids to piano lessons . . . [Wow!] It's a full-time job, but she enjoys what she does.

Woman: Well, it sounds like you're a busy, but lucky man.

Man: I think so too.

A Healthy Lifestyle

Man: Honey, the basketball game is about to start. And could you bring some chips and a bowl of ice cream? And . . . uh . . . a slice of pizza from the fridge.

Woman: Anything else?

Man:Nope, that's all for now. Hey, hon, you know, they're organizing a company basketball team, and I'm thinking about joining. What do you think?

Woman: Humph

Man: "Humph" What do you mean "Humph." I was the star player in high school.

Woman: Yeah, twenty-five years ago. Look, I just don't want you having a heart attack running up and down the court.

Man:So, what are you suggesting? Should I just abandon the idea? I'm not that out of shape.

Woman: Well . . . you ought to at least have a physical before you begin. I mean, it HAS been at least five years since you played at all.

Man:Well, okay, but . . .

Woman: And you need to watch your diet and cut back on the fatty foods, like ice cream. And you should try eating more fresh fruits and vegetables.

Man: Yeah, you're probably right.

Woman: And you should take up a little weight training to strengthen your muscles or perhaps try cycling to build up your cardiovascular system. Oh, and you need to go to bed early instead of watching TV half the night.

Man: Hey, you're starting to sound like my personal fitness instructor!

Woman: No, I just love you, and I want you to be around for a long, long time.

Family Activities

Emily: Welcome home, Dad.

Dad: Oh, Emily. How are you today?

Emily: Fine.

Dad: Good. And how was school today?

Emily: Really fun.

Dad: Good. And what did you do?

Emily: We made things.

Dad: Like what types of things did you make?

Emily: We made books.

Dad: You made books! Okay. And what else?

Emily: We . . . we made paper kangaroos.

Dad: You made paper kangaroos? Okay, and what did you need to make your paper kangaroos? What kind of supplies did you need?

Emily: We used crayons, papers, glue, and we had to follow directions.

Dad: Well good. And what did you do after school?

Emily: We went home, played games.

Dad: And did . . . Mom said you went to the junior high school.

Emily: I rode my bike in the tennis court.

Dad: Did you go by yourself?

Emily: I went with the whole family, and we went with Nathan, Sara, Racheal.

Dad: You went with your cousins.

Emily: And my mom.

Dad: Well, that's great. Well, let's get ready for dinner.

Emily: Okay.

Family Relationship

Carl: Hi. My name's Carl. Nice to meet you.

Pancho: Nice to meet you, too. My name is Francisco.

Carl: What?

Pancho: Francisco, but all my friends and family back in Peru call me Pancho.

Carl: Okay, Pancho. So, tell me about your family?

Pancho: Well, I have seven brothers and six sisters.

Carl: Wow. That is a big family. So are you the oldest, Pancho?

Pancho: No. I'm the second oldest in my family.

Carl: So, what do your parents do?

Pancho: My father is a taxi driver in Lima, Peru. It's a hard job, but he works hard to support the family.

Carl: How about your mother?

Pancho: She helps run a small family store with some of my older brothers and sisters.

Carl: What kind of store?

Pancho: We mainly sell food, like bread, eggs, soft drinks, rice, sugar, and cookies. Things that people buy every day.

Hotel Reservation

Hotel Clerk: Hello. Sunnyside Inn. May I help you?

Hotel Clerk : Hello. Sunnyside Inn. May I help You?

Man: Yes, I'd like to reserve a room for two on the 21st of March.

Hotel Clerk: Okay. Let me check our computer here for a moment. The 21st of May, right?

Man: No. March, not May.

Hotel Clerk: Oh, sorry. Let me see here. Hmmm.

Man: Are you all booked that night?

Hotel Clerk: Well, we have one suite available, complete with a kitchenette and a sauna bath. And the view of the city is great, too.

Man: How much is that?

Hotel Clerk: It's only $200 dollars, plus a 10% room tax.

Man: Oh, that's a little too expensive for me. Do you have a cheaper room available either on the 20th or the 22nd?

Hotel Clerk: Well, would you like a smoking or a non-smoking room?

Man: Non-smoking, please.

Hotel Clerk: Okay, we do have a few rooms available on the 20th; we're full on the 22nd, unless you want a smoking room.

Man: Well, how much is the non-smoking room on the 20th?

Hotel Clerk: $80 dollars, plus the 10% room tax.

Man: Okay, that'll be fine.

Hotel Clerk: All right. Could I have your name, please?

Man: Yes. Bob Maexner.

Hotel Clerk: How do you spell your last name, Mr. Maexner?

Man: M-A-E-X-N-E-R.

Hotel Clerk: Okay, Mr. Maexner, we look forward to seeing you on March 20th.

Man: Okay. Goodbye.

Nice To Meet You

Teacher: Oh, hi. What was your name again. I can't keep straight all the students' names this being the second day of school.

Student: It's okay. I have a hard time remembering names myself.

Teacher: How, uh, Karen, right?

Student: No, it's Nancy. My mom's name is Karen.

Teacher: Nancy. Okay. I think I heard you were from England.

Student: Well, I was born there, but my parents are American. I grew up in France.

Teacher: Oh, a world traveller!

Student: But then we moved here when I was nine.

Teacher: So, what does your father do now?

Student: Well, he's a college professor, and he is in Scotland at the moment.

Teacher: How interesting. What does he teach?

Student: Oh, I haven't a clue. Nah, just joking. He teaches chemistry.

Teacher: Oh, chemistry, and uh, what about your mother?

Student: She works full time at home.

Teacher: Oh, and what, does she have her own business or something?

Student: Nah, she takes care of me.

Teacher: Well, being a homemaker can be a real hard, but rewarding job.

Student: I think so too.

Phone Messages

Little Girl: Hello.

Caller: He, he.., hello? Uh, yeah. Is . . . uh . . . your dad home?

Little Girl: Just a minute please.

Older Sister: Hello.

Caller: Uh . . . yeah . . . uh hello? Yeah, um . . . is . . . uh . . . Nick home please?

Older Sister: Oh, he can't come to the phone right now.

Caller: Okay, well, um, yeah, I need to talk to your dad. Um, yeah, could you . . . um . . . take a message?

Older Sister: Yeah.

Caller: Yeah. This is . . . my name's Nick Johnson. And if . . .

Older Sister: The phone number?

Caller: Yeah if you could tell him. Yeah, the phone number is 589 [Uh-huh] 7248.

Older Sister: 589-7248?

Caller: Yeah, right and if you could tell him to call me tonight between 7:00 and 8:30?

Older Sister: Okay.

Caller: Alright, and uh. Now, I think . . . are you his daughter?

Older Sister: Yeah.

Caller: Yeah, now what's your name?

Older Sister: I . . . I'm not supposed to tell that.

Caller: Ah, that's really smart. Alright, well just tell him I called.

Older Sister: (O)kay.

Caller: Okay, bye.

Older Sister: Bye.

Video Rental Shop

Store Employee: Hi. May I help you?

Customer: Yeah. I'd like to rent these movies.

Store Employee: Ah. Romance movies?

Customer: Well. They're for my daughter

Store Employee: Right. It's okay. Well, do you have your membership card?

Customer: No I don't. Uh, do I need one to rent videos here?

Store Employee: Yes, but it's free. [Oh, okay.] It's just a card we use to help us keep track of video rentals. So, please fill out this membership form.

Customer: Okay, and how much are movie rentals anyway?

Store Employee: Well, new releases are $3.50 (Okay), and all other movies are two dollars (Uh-huh), and you can rent up to six movies at a time. [Okay.] We also have a five buck special [Oh.] where you can rent any five movies for $5.00 (Hum), but this does not include new releases.

Customer: Oh, well, I'll just take these tonight.

Store Employee: Okay, let's see . . . your total comes to seven dollars and fifty cents.

Customer: And when do I need to return them?

Store Employee: They have to be returned on Thursday by ten o'clock p.m.

Customer: Okay.

Store Employee: And there is an overdue late fee equal to the rental fee of the movie, so be sure to return them on time.

Store Employee: And enjoy your romance movies.

Customer: Okay. Thanks.

Shopping for The Day

Man: Hi young lady. How may I help you?

Girl: Well, . . . yeah. I'm looking for a Father's Day's gift.

Man: Okay. How about getting your father a new wallet?

Girl: Hmm. How much is that wallet?

Man: Huh . . . which one?

Girl: The black one.

Man: Oh. It's only $40.95.

Girl: Huh? That's too expensive for me. Do you have a cheaper one?

Man: Hmm. How about this brown leather one?

Girl: Umm. . . I don't think my father will like the design on the outside, and it doesn't have a place to put pictures. How much is it anyway?

Man: It's $25.99.

Girl: Humm. I don't have that much money.

Man: Okay. How much do you have to spend?

Girl: I'm not sure [money falling on the table]. Probably about ten dollars or so. I've been helping my mom around the house for the past week to earn some money. This is all I have.

Man: Hmm. How about this tie?

Girl: That's real pretty, but the price tag says $13.99, and I know I don't have that much money.

Man: Well, let's just say the tie just went on sale. How about $5.00. What do you say?

Girl: Oh, thanks. I'll take it.

Spending Money

Joshua: Dad. Allowance day. Can I have my allowance?

Father: Oh. I forgot about that.

Joshua: You ALWAYS forget.

Father: I guess I do. How much do I owe you?

Joshua: Just $13.

Father: Thirteen dollars!? Why do I owe you that much? Just seems like I paid you the other day.

Joshua: No. You forget every Saturday, and it has been piling up.

Father: Well, I'm not sure if I have that much.

Joshua: Go to the bank. You have lots of money.

Father: Lots of money, uh? Uh, well, I think the bank is closed.

Joshua: Then, what about your secret money jar under your bed?

Father: Oh, I guess I could do that. So, what are you going to do with the money?

Joshua: I'm going to put some in savings, give some to the poor people, and use the rest to buy books.

Father: Well, that's sounds great, Joshua.

Dinner Time

Father: Time to eat!

Daughter: Coming. Oh, I'm starving. [Good, good.] Oh yuck! What's that?

Father: Ah, now don't complain!

Daughter: But what is it, and where is mom?

Father: Now, mom put me in charge of dinner because she's not feeling well tonight.

Daughter: But what is it . . . and that smell!

Father: It's pizza. I just followed an old family recipe here, and . . .

Daughter: Let me see that . . . Oh, Dad. [What?] You're missing a page!

Father: Oh, uh, well, uh . . . well I couldn't find the second page of the recipe, but don't worry. I have plenty of experience around the house. Plenty of experience cooking.

Daughter: That's not what mom says.

Father: Well, wait, wait, here let me try a piece first. Here, let me, let me cool this off here. Ohhh, yeah. Oh, this is great stuff.

Daughter: Yeah right. Why are you making that face?

Father: Well, well, it's just, just a little rich for me. That's all.

Daughter: Let me try it Dad. Uh. Dad. You put a little too much salt in it and besides it's burned. [Well . . . ] And what's that?

Father: Oh, well, well, that's just part of my own adaptation to the recipe. I added some pumpkin.

Daughter: Oh, not another one of your surprises. Pumpkin doesn't go on pizza!

Father: Well, okay, well, so what? Uh, what do we do now?

Daughter: Well, how about some cold cereal . . . You can't mess up on that, Dad.

Breakfast Recipes

Daughter: Dad, Dad. What's for breakfast?

Dad: [Dad mumbles something] Daughter: Dad? [What?]

Daughter: What's for breakfast?

Dad: Uh, there's a banana on the kitchen counter. Enjoy.

Daughter: Dad, that banana's all bruised, and it looks like the cat took a bite out of it last night . . . Dad. Wake up.

Dad: Okay. Uh, there's some cereal in the cupboard. Help yourself.

Daughter: But there's no milk.

Dad: Well, just mix up some powered milk.

Daughter: Ah, no way. That stuff is nasty and warm. Come on, Dad.

Dad: Uh, okay. I guess I could make some pancakes.

Daughter: Uh, no. The last time you made pancakes, they were as hard as a rock. Even the dog wouldn't touch them.

Dad: That bad? [Yeah.] Alrigh. Wait! Why in the world are we having this conversation anyway? You're 19 years old. Make your own breakfast. I'm going back to bed.

Daughter: Because you love me . . . plus you said that you'd make something for me if I cleaned the dishes last night.

Dad: Okay. How about some eggs and bacon? I can't go wrong there.

Daughter: Okay, but don't put any of that funny stuff in it . . . you know, those weird mushrooms like you did last time.

Dad: Okay, okay. So, you want me to keep things simple, right?

Daughter: Exactly. But, please hurry. My friend is picking me up in a few minutes.

Dad: On a Saturday morning?

Daughter: Yeah. He's taking me fishing.

Dad: Fishing? Since when did you start liking fishing?

Daughter: Since Dirk gave me this ring! What do you think?

Dad: What? Wait. I'm not going to ask. Let me get breakfast on the table . . . Then, we'll have a long chat.

Dad: Oh, he's here. I'll just take the $20 bill out of your wallet. I can buy breakfast on the way. Bye.

Dad: Oh, no!

Emeregency Call

Operator: Hello. This is the emergency 911 operator.

Taxi Driver: Help. Help. Please help me!

Operator: Yes sir. Please calm down and explain exactly what is happening.

Taxi Driver: Calm down! My car is stalled on the freeway, I have a lady passenger, and she's going into labor.

Operator: Now relax sir. Explain exactly where you are.

Taxi Driver: I'm . . . I'm in the southbound lane of the Lincoln Expressway, about 15 miles from the Washington Tunnel, and this lady isn't going to wait.

Operator:Okay. What's your name sir and your passenger's?

Taxi Driver: It's ... it's Bob, and I have no idea about the woman. She's in no condition to tell me.

Operator: Okay, now what's the nearest landmark to your location? Pay careful attention.

Taxi Driver: Umm, I see golden arches . . . McDonalds.

Operator: Okay, is there anyone else with you?

Taxi Driver: No, and I've tried to get someone else to stop. [The sound of a bottle breaking.]

Operator: Hey, what was that? [Ahhhh!]

Taxi Driver: Ah, someone threw a bottle at me. How soon can someone get here?

Operator: I've just dispatched an ambulance to your location. They should be there any second.

Taxi Driver: Hey, is there anything I can do while we wait for the ambulance?

Operator: Yes, uh, keep her calm and warm.

Taxi Driver: Okay. Please hurry. Oh, they're too late. It's a boy!